Archive for December, 2004

Denny’s Introduces “Red States Cuisine” ™

December 4th, 2004, by Peter Hirshberg | located in Conversations | Comments off | trackback

"God’s Batter" Invades Los Angeles
Moral Value in Chicken Fried Steak?

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President Bush’s landslide 3% victory margin is heralded as a mandate to bring red state values and sensibilities to all Americans. Just this week incoming NBC News anchor Brian Williams declared he wanted to spend nights in "Dayton and Toledo and the middle of Kansas" because the New York/Washington axis can be a journalist's "worst enemy." What elitism!  What blue state resident has enough time, money or frequent flier miles to get politically reeducated in the heartland? Clearly a more populist and accessible form culturectomy is needed for urban America.

Which is why Denny's announcement of its Red States Cuisine is so encouraging. Says Denny's Chief Food Officer N. J. Marchioli, "For years elite America has dined on seared peppered ahi, or shitake mushrooms or steamed vegetables with unpronounceable French sauces. Terrorists may steam their victims, but you won’t catch us steaming anything!"

Hence forth Denny’s pledges a commitment to unity: every morsel it serves will be fried in genuine American batter. Shrimps and chicken fried in batter.  Bananas fried in batter. Fruit pancakes, hot dogs and jelly--- all fried in batter, as God intended. "Just as President Bush wants to bring freedom to the world at any cost, so too we want to dispense with indigenous and culturally bankrupt cuisine," said Marchioli. "From now on you can look at any dish we serve and say, 'That’s American. My family can eat this. That batter comes from heaven.' "

Cultural Maverick William Bennett praised the move, declaring, "America desperately needs glue to hold this nation together. Fortunately Denny's possesses such a glue----canned, condensed mushroom soup. It's the basis of every church casserole in America. Liberals may have no backbone, but it won't take much of this soup to give them one!  I'm glad Denny's has pledged to use mushroom soup in all their recipes; this certainly will herald a return to outrage!”

Denny's said it hired food consultant Paul Wolfowitz to help export its new cuisine concepts to alien cultures in need American values, including Iraq, Iran and France.  Wolfowitz said he was excited about the opportunity, declaring: "Today chicken fried steak, tomorrow the world!"